For nights on end now, I've been awakened at 3:00 am after intense, lucid, yet not exactly disturbing dreams, three in the morning every damn time ... over the past 72 hours I've fathered two children who called Lori "Mom" and me "Fred," served on Pat Bills' legal team to help him beat a court case for a crime he didn't commit, embarked upon a mountain climbing expedition only to quit after a few miles and go to an amusement park instead, helped my brother unpack a duffle bag full of tools, answered a cell phone while driving, stood in an unusually long line at a coffee stand despite being several hours late for work, and got sentenced to a women's prison -- this last bit isn't nearly as sexy as you might think, all that happened was I sat in a small cell with about eight female inmates and we all watched a stack of horror movies on VHS that the warden provided for us (meaning it was kind of a dream come true, if it hadn't actually been a dream). Then my cellmates gave me a pair of really cool sunglasses. My therapist doesn't know what to make of that last detail.

This night, after cursing whatever curse has been laid upon me and spending a few minutes brooding over some things in my past that I can't change, I listened to the house settle, the subtle cricks and creaks and cracks that pass unnoticed during the day but become obsessive after dark. Nearly a rhythm, so regular this pattern became, like a ghost tiptoeing through the hallway, an extremely polite and respectful ghost who doesn't want to alarm or awaken anyone, just wants to quietly haunt and not make a big deal out of it but doesn't realize how light a sleeper I really am. After those noises ceased, I became acutely aware of my forehead against the pillow, feeling the blood punch its way through the veins of my temple until resting my head became unbearable, and then my stomach started up, curling like a fist and flexing in its emptiness despite the lack of any true feelings of hunger.

So I'm awake now, hopefully not for good. Lori needs to be up early this morning to prepare materials for a class she's to teach today, and I have about an hour before the alarm ... I'll get back in bed and try running through songs in my head, composing new melodies that I have no hope of playing on any physical instruments. This will at least kill some time in the dark.